My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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He who dies with the most toys wins.
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Have patience. Everything is difficult before it is easy.
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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Everyone is a reader.... Some just haven't found their book yet.
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Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate.
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Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
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Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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INSOMNIA = 1:51 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:52 A.M. + ETERNITY + 1:53 A.M. + ETERNITY
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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I'm a nervous flyer, and it doesn't make it any easier when I get to the airport and see the sign TERMINAL.
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You'll never find a rainbow if you're staring at your feet.
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You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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We'll be friends until we're old and senile, then we'll be new friends.
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The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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