funny quotes & quotations
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
Climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means edible arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 8, 2018
We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse.
ANONYMOUS
Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.
ANONYMOUS
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
YOGI BERRA
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG
attributed, The Ultimate Book of Quotations
It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
RAY ROMANO
stand-up routine
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
HELEN ROWLAND
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
LOUISE BEAL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes
When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
EUGENE IONESCO
Jack
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN
editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897